【www.xzxrv.com--回忆过去】
英语幽默小笑话 1、Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.”What did you do with the money （that/which/不填）I gave you yesterday?”
“I gave it to a poor old woman,”he answered. “You are a good boy,”said the mother proudly.”Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?”
“She is the one who sells the candy.”
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆。”他回答说。“你真是一个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说. “再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
2、Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,”What happened?”
“A kid bit me,”replied Ivan.
“Would you recognize him if you saw him again?”asked his mother. “I‟d know him any where,”said Ivan.”I have his ear in my pocket.” 他的耳朵在我的衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“咬了我一口。”说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”说，“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里。”
3、Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow（燕子）, the other is sparrow（麻雀）. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
两只鸟
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
4、Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,就看见一个牌子上写着"学校----慢行".
5、Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were . At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，„醉‟字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
6、Big Head
“All the kids make fun of me”the boy cried to his mother.“They say I have a big head”
“Don't listen to them.”his mother comforted him.“You have a beautiful head .Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes” “Where's the shopping bag?”
“I haven't got one,use your hat.”
大脑袋
“所有的孩子都拿我开玩笑，”小男孩哭着跟妈妈说：“他们说我长了一个大脑袋。” “别听他们的，”他妈妈安慰说：“你的脑袋长得很漂亮。好了，别哭了，去商店买10磅土豆来。”
“购物袋在哪？”
“我没有购物袋，就用你的帽子吧。”
7、Second language
A mother mouse was out for a stroll （散步，闲逛）with her babies when she spotted（发现） a cat crouched（蹲伏） behind a bush（灌木丛）. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely（凶猛的）, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life.
value（价值） of a second language?"
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。”最搞笑的英语小笑话十则
一般现在时:I make love with her everyday.
有些单词正看、反看都有意思，越看越有意思，越有意思越想看。因为英语单词只能横向变化，没有上下结构，故叫妙趣“横”生。如：
live倒过来就是evil。 可见“生活”不能颠倒，颠倒过来就是“罪恶”——俨如警世通言！
又比如，鼠辈造反（猜一英语单词）。谜底是
star。因为star从后往前读，正好是rats。英语中有不少单词左右有讲，堪称翻然成趣。
evil（罪恶）------ live（生活）；God----- dog； nod（点头）------ don（大学教师）；
not----- ton（吨）；on---- no；pan（平底锅）------- nap（小睡）；part----- trap（陷阱）；pets（宠物）------- step；pots（壶）-----stop；rail（铁轨）------ liar（说谎者）；raw（生的）------ war；smart（机灵的）----- trams（电车）；tap（水龙头）------ pat（轻拍）；ten----- net（网）；tog（衣服）------ got；tops（顶）------- spot（点）。
再者，妙趣横生的含义 不少单词似是而
非，千万不要望文生义，而误入陷阱。如：
the lowest gradeProfessor, I did the best I could on this test. I really don't think I deserve a zero.Neither do I. But that's the lowest grade I'm allowed to give.最低分学生：“教授先生，我这次考试已经竭尽全力了。我真的觉得我不应该得零蛋。”老师：“我也是。但是这已经是我能给的最低分了！” Real PlayWhen I taught the introduction-to-theater course at North Dakota State University, I required my students to attend the university theater's current production and write a critique. After viewing a particularly fine performance, one student wrote: The play was so real, I thought I was actually sitting on my couch at home, watching it on television.逼真的戏剧我在北达科他州立大学教戏剧入门课时，要求学生们去看学校剧团当时的演出，并写一篇评论。看了一场极为精彩的演出后，一名学生写道：“这部戏剧是如此逼真，以致于我认为我自己是坐在家里的沙发上，从电视上看到的。”
英语笑话十则
1、A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me."
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。” 女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。”
2、Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I'd passed today's exam."
"Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied.
"Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom said. 在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。”“不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。“那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。
3、One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?
一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地 上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫 回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?"
4、Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.
"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You’re a good boy," said the mother proudly.
"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy."
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
”昨天给你的钱干什么了？“
”我给了一个可怜的老太婆，“他回答说。
”你真是个好孩子，“妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
5、Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
Student: Big hands.
老师：如果我左手上有7个桔子，右手上有8个桔子。那么我有什么？
学生：大手。
6、One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager.
All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.
“I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer.
一天课上，老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。
所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。
“我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。
7、A Man of Actions
A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening！”
A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions！” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him！” said another.
Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?”
He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er•••er•••Miss Rose, er•••he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening！”
一个言出必行的人
一群学生聚在牛津的校园里，一个年轻人情绪激动地叫道：“毋庸置疑，如果那个家伙不收回他今早 对我说的话，我今晚就离开牛津。”
下面一片喧哗。“真是个言出必行的人。”一个人艳羡地说。另一个说：“我们要支持他、学习他。”
突然，一个女孩问道：“那家伙对你说什么了，霍波？”
他弯下腰小声说：“哦，呃…呃…，罗斯小姐，呃…他说要我今晚从牛津滚出去。”
8、Compliment
"Larry! Come here!" said his furious mother, putting the telephone down, " I’ve just had a call from Mrs. Harrison about your behavior to her Doris at the school dance last night. You wretched, rude boy!"
"I was nice to her, Mum, really I was!" protested the youth.
"I even paid her a compliment when we had a dance."
"Did you, indeed?" said his mother grimly, "And what exactly did you say?""I said, Gosh, Doris, you sweat less than any fat girl I’ve ever danced with!" 恭维话
“拉里，你过来！”妈妈放下电话后生气地说，“我刚才接到哈里森夫人地电话，她告诉我你在昨晚的学校舞会上对多丽丝行为不好，你可耻，粗鲁！”
“妈妈，我对她很好，真的！”小伙子不服气地说。“当我和她跳舞时我还说了一句恭维她的话。”最搞笑的英语小笑话十则
“你真的这么做的吗？”妈妈严厉地问。“你的原话是怎么说的？”
“我说，啊呀，多丽丝，你比我跳过舞的任何胖姑娘出汗都少！”
9、A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. Now, children, said she, has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?Please, teacher, said A small boy, I've made someone glad yesterday.
Well done. Who was that?
My granny.
Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grand mother glad.
I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, ‘Granny, I'm going home,’ and she said, ‘Well, I'm glad’！
一个主日学校的老师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。现在，孩子们，她说：你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？我，老师，一个小男孩说：昨天我就使别人高兴过。做得好，是谁呢？我奶奶。好孩子，现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴！
10、He is really somebody
Myuncle has 1000 men under him.
He is really somebody.
What does he do?
Amaintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一个大人物
我叔叔下面有1000个人。
他真是一个大人物。
干什么的？
墓地守墓人。
文章来自语联网社区
笑话,是供人们消遣或交际的一种创造性的语言形式,其主要功能是调侃、娱乐或讽刺。小编精心收集了超级爆笑的英语小笑话，供大家欣赏学习!
超级爆笑的英语小笑话篇1
Whenever my husband, Ben, does minor work on the car，he invites our six-year-old grandson, Jake，to help.
每当我丈夫贪，给汽车进行大检修时，他总是叫我们六岁的孙子杰克来帮助.
One day，Jake's Daddy asked him, "What does Grandpa pay you for all that help you give him?"
有一天，杰克的爸爸问他:“你帮爷爷干了那么多的活，他给了你点什么?”
Hands on hips，Jake Looked at his Daddy in the eye and replied，"Grandpa pays me attention.”
杰克双手放在屁股上，紧盯着爸爸的眼睛，回答说:“爷爷给了我足够的重视.”
超级爆笑的英语小笑话篇2同往常一样，我和朋友外出去跑步。我戴上了我的新皮手套。我告诉我的朋友，这副手套我是花50美元买的.戴上这新的暖融融的手套，很快我就感到两手出汗了.我把手套摘了下来，放进了口袋里。望着蔚蓝的天空，我的情绪特别好。所以，一路上我和朋友追逐着。
I started my uaual running with my friend as I put on my new leather gloves.I told my friend that they cost me 50 dollars. As I felt that my hands were sweating inside the new, warm gloves on the way, I took them off and tucked them into my pockets. The sky was so blue and I was in a good mood，so 1 chased my friend on the road.
十分钟后，当我再想戴手套时，却发现口袋里空了。我感到十分沮丧.
Ten minutes later when I was going to wear them again, I suddenly realised that my pockets were empty. I felt greatly distressed.
后来，我和朋友一起顺着原路找手套，在路边我们找到了一只。
Later，my friend was willing to retrace the route with me，and we found one glove along the road.
我的朋友说:“其不错，现在你只丢了25美元。”
"Wow !"said my friend,”now you have only lost $25."
超级爆笑的英语小笑话篇3"I'll need to see your license and registration,"says the highway patrolman after stopping a middle-aged couple."You were speeding.”
高速公路上的警察拦住了一对中年夫妇，说:“我要看看你的驾驶证和车证，你超速了.”
"But，officer,"says the husband, "I was way under the speed limit.”
“可是，长官，我一直在限制以下的速度开车。”大夫说。
"Sir, you were doing 63 in a 55 Zone.”
“先生，你在限速55英里的地区开到了63英里。”
"I was not speeding!"insists the man. 'Your radar gun must be broken. "
“我没有超速，”那个人坚特说:“你的雷达扫瞄一定有问题了。”
At this point, the wife leans over. "It''s no use arguing with him, officer,"she says apologetically."He always gets this stubborn when he's been drinking."
这时，他的老婆凑了上来:“警察先生，你不用跟他争论了，”她带着抱歉的口气说:“每一次喝酒，他就变得这么固执。”
看了“超级爆笑的英语小笑话”的人还看了：
下面是小编整理的经典英语小笑话，希望大家会喜欢!
经典英语小笑话：Five Months Older大五个月
The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
But John's brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy's family name, so when he saw John's papers, he was surprised.
"How old are you?" he said.
"Eighteen, sir," said John.
"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
第二次世界大战开始了，约翰想参军，可他只有十六岁，当时规定男孩到十八岁才能入伍。所以军医给他进行体检时，他说他已经十八岁了。
可约翰的哥哥刚入伍没几天，而且也是这个军医给他做的检查。这位医生还记得他哥哥的姓。所以当他看到约翰的表格时，感到非常惊奇。
“你多大了?”军医问。
“十八，长官。”约翰说。
“可你的哥哥也是十八岁，你们是双胞胎吗?”
约翰脸红了，说：“哦，不是，长官，我哥哥比我大五个月。”
经典英语小笑话：Give up your seat to a lady给女士让座
Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"You've done the right thing," says Mommy.
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
小强尼说：“妈妈，今天早上和爸爸在公车上时，他叫我让座给一位女士。”
妈妈说：“你做得很对呀。”
“但是，妈妈，我是坐在爸爸膝盖上的。”
经典英语小笑话：jump up and down
Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?
Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.
妈妈：你为什么不停地跳上跳下的?
汤姆：我刚吃完药，可我忘了先摇动瓶子了
经典英语小笑话：Put your feet in把脚放进去
The school girl was sitting with her feet streched far out into the aisle ,and was busily chewing gum, when the teacher espied her. "Mary !" called the teacher sharply. "Yes,Madam?" questioned the pupil , "Take that gum out of your mouth and put your feet in!"
一个女学生坐在座位上，嘴里起劲地嚼着口香糖，脚却伸到课桌间的走道里，被老师发现了。“玛丽!”老师严厉地叫她。“什么事，老师?”这女学生问。“把口香糖从嘴里拿出来，把脚放进去。”
经典英语小笑话：他的耳朵在我衣兜里
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事?”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗?”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
经典英语小笑话： 愚蠢的问题Stupid Question
Dan was the doorman of a club in a big city. Everyday, thousands of people passed his door, and a lot of them stopped and asked him, "What's the time, please?"
After a few months, Dan said to himself, "I'm not going to answer all those stupid people any more. I'm going to buy a big clock and put it upon the wall here." Then he did so.
“Now people aren't going to stop and ask me the time," he thought happily.
But after that, a lot of people stopped, looked at the clock and then asked Dan, "Is that clock right?”
丹在一个大城市的某个俱乐部当守门人。每天都有数千人经过他的门口，而且许多人都会停下来问他:“请问现在几点?”
几个月后，丹想:“我不想再回答这些蠢人提出的问题了，我要去买一只大钟，把它挂在这儿的墙上。”于是他买了一只钟，把它挂在了墙上。
“现在人们总不会再停下来问我时间了。”他高兴地想。
可是打那以后，每天仍有许多人停下来，看看钟，然后问丹:“这钟准吗?”
经典英语小笑话： Intelligent son 聪明的儿子
One day, the father lets eight year-old son send a letter, the son took the letter , the father then remembered didn't write the address and addressee's name on the envelope.
After the son comes back, the father asks him: "You have thrown the letter in the mail box?"
"Certainly"
"You have not seen on the envelope not to write the address and the addressee name?"
"I certainly saw nothing written on the envelope."
"Then why you didn't take it back?"
"I also thought that you do not write the address and the addressee, is for does not want to let me know that you do send the letter to who!"
有一天,父亲让八岁的儿子去寄一封信,儿子已经拿着信跑了,父亲才想起信封上没写地址和收信人的名字。
儿子回来后,父亲问他:“你把信丢进邮筒了吗?” “当然”“你没看见信封上没有写地址和收信人名字吗?”
“我当然看见信封上什么也没写”“那你为什么不拿回来呢?”
“我还以为你不写地址和收信人,是为了不想让我知道你把信寄给谁呢!”
经典英语小笑话：我希望您的面包病好了
I was making rolls and, needing a warm place for the dough to rise, put the bowl in a heating pad. Then I left the house on an errand(使命，差事) . When I came back, I found this note from my son: "Dear Mom, I hope your bread gets better."
我在做面包，需要把面团放在一个暖和点的地方使它发起来。我把面盆放在电热褥里，后来就出去干别的活去了。等我回家时，发现儿子留下一张纸条，上面写着：“亲爱的妈妈，我希望您的面包已经病好了。”
经典英语小笑话：A Present 凯特的礼物
Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?
Mom: No, Honey, what?
Kate: A nice teapot.
Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.
Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.
凯特：妈妈，你知道我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗?
妈妈：不知道，宝贝，是什么呀?
凯特：一把漂亮的茶壶。
妈妈：可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。
凯特：不，你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。
经典英语小笑话：Two Birds 两只鸟
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗?
学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
经典英语小笑话：这有多娇生惯养啊
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled(被宠坏的) . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum(乱发脾气) . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry?
Cry? John asked. No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!
六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。
约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：学校怎么样?你过的好吗?哭了没有?
哭?约翰问，不，我没哭，可老师哭了。
中国汉字博大精深，而且多音字也好多，这样就会闹出不少谐音笑话，有些谐音笑话会让你爆笑不停，笑破肚皮，下面小编就为大家介绍一些爆笑谐音笑话吧，看看这些谐音笑话能不能逗你一笑。
笑破你的肚皮的谐音笑话推荐
谐音笑话推荐1。君要臣死，臣不得不死
香菇走在路上，被橙子撞了一下。香菇大怒道：「没长眼啊，去死吧。」然后橙子就死了。。。因为菌要橙死，橙不得不死。。
谐音笑话推荐2。梅花鹿
节日的时候，小兔子生气地对小鹿说：你看人家别的女孩子都能收到花，你为什么不送给我。小鹿可怜巴巴的说：因为我是梅花鹿啊。
谐音笑话推荐3。终身禁驾
今天上驾校理论课，老师说：“造成严重交通事故，并且逃逸的，终身禁驾。”
后边一妹子举手说到：“那我一辈子都嫁不出去了啊?”大家都快笑晕了……
谐音笑话推荐4。棺材匠
爷爷在病危之际，将年少无知的孙子叫到床前，用尽最后一口气嘱咐道：“孩子啊，这个世道……做官才好啊!”小孙子是个听话的孩子，他将爷爷临终前的话牢牢记在心里。许多年以后，他终于成了村里最好的棺材匠。
谐音笑话推荐5。快递
一女人来到男人家玩，女人调戏男人说：你要是有块地我就和你结婚。这时，门铃响了，快递小哥说：先生，有你快递!
谐音笑话推荐6、见鸡而作
从前有一个地主，很爱吃鸡，佃户租种他家的田，光交租不行，还得先送一只鸡给他。
有一个叫张三的佃户，年终去给地主交租，并佃第二年的田。去时，他把一只鸡装在袋子里，交完租，便向地主说起第二年佃田的事。地主见他两手空空，便两眼朝天地说：“此田不予张三种。”张三明白这句话的意思，立刻从袋子里把鸡拿了出来。
地主见了鸡，马上改口说：“不予张三却予谁 。”张三说：“你的话变得好快呵!”
地主答道：“方才那句话是‘无稽(鸡)之谈’，此刻这句话是‘见机(鸡)而作’。”
谐音笑话推荐7、耳朵在此
新上任的知县是山东人，因为要挂子，他对师爷说：“你给我去买两根竹竿来。”
师爷把山东腔的”竹竿”听成了”猪肝”，连忙答应着，急急地跑到肉店去，对店主说：“新来的县太爷要买两个猪肝，你是明白人，心里该有数吧!”
店主是个聪明人，一听就懂了，马上割了两个猪肝，另外奉送了一副猪耳朵。
离开肉铺后，师爷心想：“老爷叫我买的是猪肝，这猪耳朵当然是我的了……”于是便将猎耳包好，塞进口袋里，回到县衙，向知县禀道：”回禀太爷，猪肝买来了!”
知县见师爷买回的是猪肝，生气道：“你的耳朵哪里去了!”师爷一听，吓得面如土色，慌忙答道：“耳……耳朵……在此……在我……我的口袋里!”
谐音笑话推荐8、有“机”可乘
有一个商品推销员去广州出差，到北京后，由于想乘飞机前往，因怕经理不同意报销，便给经理发了一封电报：“有机可乘，乘否?” 经理接到电报，以为是成交之“机”已到，便立即回电：“可乘就乘。”
这个推销员出差回来报销旅差费时，经理以不够级别，乘坐飞机不予报销的规定条款，不同意报销飞机票费。推销员拿出经理回电，经理口瞪口呆。
谐音笑话推荐9、地名
元旦晚上，小弟带两位侨生到家晚餐，一个性情开朗，一个较为拘谨。席间。那位开朗的同学笑指拘谨的同学给我们介绍说：“他是缅甸来的，所以比较腼腆。” 随后他举起酒杯向大家敬酒，仰首一饮而尽，接着说：“我是仰光来的。”
谐音笑话推荐10、校长发火
校长在学期结束时的校务会议上，对人事行政效率之低，大发雷霆。他说：“负责董事业务的不懂事;负责人事管理的不省人事;身为干事的又不干事!”
谐音笑话推荐11、乡村开会
一个乡里开会，由于谐音，村长说：“兔子们，虾米们，不要浆瓜，咸菜太贵了。”(同志们，乡民们，不要讲话，现在开会了。)主持人说：“咸菜请香肠浆瓜。”(现在请乡长讲话。)乡长说：“兔子们，虾米们，今天的饭狗吃了，大家都是大王八。”(同志们，乡民们，今天的饭够吃了，大家都用大碗吧。
谐音笑话推荐12、学英语
喜欢学英语的小明，不分日夜都在找说英语的机会。
这天，他不小心走路撞到一个外国人，他不好意思的说：「I am sorry.」「I am sorry,too.」外国人回答。
「I am sorry three.」小明马上回道。
「What are you sorry for?」外国人问。
「I am sorry five…」小明说。
谐音笑话推荐【1-10】1、周末回家，晚饭后烟瘾犯了，打算借口去散步。在门口换鞋时，老爸问我干吗去?我说：“去散个烟!”结果老爸从我身上搜出一包白沙，狠狠K了我一顿。
2、一次从妈妈那里出来后到老婆那里去，看见老婆后，习惯性的叫了一声：“妈!”
3、早上上班，发现自行车没气了，于是想叫妈妈推到门外打气。结果我说：“把我的轮胎推出去。”妈妈迷糊了，我笑着连忙改正，结果又说成：“帮我的汽车打点气!”
4、一次我开车，坐我旁边的女同事突然问：“你怎么开车不系安全套的?”
5、一次在厕所方便，没纸了。就对老婆说：“把擦纸的屁股拿来!”
6、一个女孩失恋了，我劝她：“两条腿的蛤蟆不好找，三条腿的男人有的是啊!”
7、两个人斗嘴，突然旁边一人冒出来一句：“你们真是吃饱了事情没饭做啊!”
8、同事和人争执，急了张口来了句：“你以为我吃饭长大的啊?”我一直纳闷他到底吃什么长大的。
9、上电脑课，一同学的机器有问题，于是大喊;“老板，换机子!”
10、边吃饭边看帖子，边念经典的给老婆听，笑死她了，于是她对我说：“吃完饭再看吧，不然脑子消化不良!”
谐音笑话推荐【11-20】11 由于一次出差机会，要去某地的中国银行维修设备，从宾馆出来坐上出租车后对女司机说：“去中国银行、顺便找一家五金店买把刀”汗!
当时我的意思是买把螺丝刀，我没注意到我说错了，这时那个女司机一直看着我非常委屈的说：“大哥我要下班了，你重新打辆车吧”。
当时我就非常生气，恶狠狠的说：“你要下班了在宾馆泊什么车呀!?”
女司机看了看我快要崩溃的说：“大哥那买完刀我不要车钱了你再找辆吧”晕!!!
这才知道我说错了，赶紧解释了半天，现在想一想都感觉对不住人家女司机。
12 政治老师有一次讲课的时候说：“下面我举个比方”，然后觉得不对，又说：“打个例子”
13 真是好驴当做心肝肺
14 初中的时候，老师叫翻译who is this man ?
一同学翻译：这是谁的男人?全班大笑，老师无语
15 上次去麦当劳，对营业员说：来一包薯片，人家说没有。我说，什么店啊连薯片都没有，说完转身就走了。。。
16 期中考试，偶后面的女生桌上有个裤子形状的笔袋，我一回头，笔袋掉了，我说：“mm你裤子掉了”
17 记得路遇一犬，旁mm惊讶的大叫：呀，那个尾巴没有狗!!
18 记得小时候去买玩具枪里装的圆形塑料子弹，直接对玩具店里的老爷爷说：买一包原(圆)子弹!
19 同学向我解释如何拨打某查询电话。我想问问那边接电话的是真人还是语音，竟说成了：“接电话的是活人还是死人呀?”
20 拎着好多东西和gg在火车站找存包的地方。迎面来一巡警，gg立刻上前很客气地问：“请问埋包处怎么走?”
谐音笑话推荐【21-30】21 政治课时谈到中日政治问题，扯阿扯说到日本武士剖腹自杀。老师介绍说：“日本武士死前都剖腹产的~~~”
22 有一次找一位姓王的客户打电话,总机接电话的是一个声音很甜的mm,她告诉我他的分机号,我不知道我要找的这位姓王的是男是女,我就
顺便问了一句“请问他是男先生还是女先生?”
23 大学时期，我一同学刚买了手机，办了移动卡，打1860人工台询问，一时激动：请问你们的地感动带业务。。。，从免提中我们竟然听到话务员小姐客气的说：我们的地感动带业务。。。全宿舍暴笑
24 昨天有个人说要给我介绍一个女朋友，我本来想问“漂亮吗”，结果说成“便宜吗”。汗死自己!
25 老师嘱咐我们：“春游坐车时老实点，别总把头和胳膊扔出去。。。”
26 我老公特别瘦，有次我急了就说道“老公，看你瘦的象猪似的!”
27 有一天去天津比较出名的大桥道食品店买吃的。差不多每次都要买老婆饼吃吃!结果那天我看到新出了一种稍微小一号的饼，样子基本一致，可是我不确定，于是向售货员阿姨发问：“这个是小老婆饼吗??”
结果全场白眼
28 播音稿原文：两歹徒打伤我110干警后逃窜播音员读成：两歹徒打伤我一百一十名干警后逃窜(黄飞鸿转世??!)
29 我上高中的时候和我弟弟一个班，他就坐在我后面。一天晚上我们地理老师问我们：你们谁是姐姐?谁是弟弟?当时我就呆掉了
30 一次买凉皮回宿舍后，去别的宿舍溜了一圈，回来发现舍友在吃我的凉皮。她们见我回来，其中一人对我说：你怎么才回来?凉皮都凉了!
谐音笑话推荐【31-40】31 那天想喝汽水，赶几步朝冷饮摊想说来瓶汽水，不料看见跟前放着的啤酒，一急竟说： “老板，来一瓶屁水”，老板………………
32 有一次,我和老公吵架，他骂我：“猪!”我骂他：“你是猪的老公。。。”骂完真觉得自己是猪。
33 我们一个同事,他去考驾照时,对考官说了一句经典的话:报告仪表,,考官正常~~~~~~
34 记得有一次，和一姐们儿去kfc,排队的时候我听她口中念念有词，一个鸡腿汉堡，一对鸡翅......，好不容易轮到她了，一开口就笑翻了所有人，她本想说“小姐，来个鸡腿汉堡”，可话到口中竟成了“小腿，来个汉堡”
35 大学同学在森林公园聚会，时间到了大家准备开饭，俩男生自告奋勇去小卖部买啤酒。班长想提醒他们买啤酒买易拉罐的，可能由于刚才一直在聊国际时事，班长站起来喊：“ 啤酒要伊拉克的啊~~~”
我们全倒了，俩男生疯了。。。
36 mm告诉我肯德基新出的“骨肉相连”(肉串有脆骨)，要我带她去吃，那几天北京巨热无比，我昏昏沉沉，到了餐厅，我对微笑的肯德基小姐来了句：请给我两个“血肉模糊”谢谢!.............
无地自容-_-!
37 一次上课，老师本想对我们说花色的乳牛的奶最好，结果说成了花色的乳房的奶最好