friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the keys.” The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn’t heard him clearly, so he repealed. "Give me the keys.” The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.
The soldiers had just moved to the desert, and as they had never been in such a place before, they had a lot to learn.
As there were no trees or buildings in the desert，it was，of course, very hard to hide their trucks from enemy. The soldiers were therefore g2vPn training in camouflage，which means ways of covering something so that the enemy cannot see where it is. They were shown how to paint their trucks in irregular patterns with pale green, yellow, and brown paints，and then to cover them with nets to which they had tied small pieces of cloth.
The driver who had the biggest truck went to lot of trouble to camouflage it. He. spent several hours painting it，preparing a net and searching for some heavy rocks with which to hold the net down. When it was all finished, he looked proudly at his work and then went off to have his lunch.
But when he came back to the truck after he had had his meal，he was surprised and worried to see that his cannot flage work was completely spoilt by the truck’ s shadow, which was growing longer arid longer as the afternoon advanced. He stood looking at it, not knowing what to do about it.
Soon an officer arrived，and he too saw the shadow, of course.
"Well,” he shouted to the poor driver, "what are you going to do about it? If an enemy plane comes over, the pilot will at once know that there is a truck there.”
"I know, sir,” answered the soldier.
"Whel1, don’t just stand there doing nothing!” said the officer.
"What shall I do, sir`?" asked the poor driver.
"Get your spade and throw some sand over the shadow, of course!” answered the officer.
Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up…what about you、Terry? You haven't got your hand up，don’t you want to go to Heaven?
Terry: I can’t. My Mum told me to go straight home.
There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, “Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!”
Herman says，“I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!”
Dead turtle 死去的乌龟
"Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, Myrddin, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.
The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet.
I don't want you...." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Myrddin, your turtle is not dead after all."
"Oh," the disappointed boy, wanting ice cream and a new pet, said. "Can I kill it?".
Egg Donor 鸡蛋捐赠人
One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.
"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
Bring me the winner 给我那个打赢的吧
Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
Well, bring me the winner then.
男：Can I buy you a drink?(我可以为你买一杯饮料吗?)
女：Actually I'd rather have the money.(不必，我很有钱。)
男：Can I have your name?(直译：我能有你的名字吗?)
女：Why? Don't you already have one? (为什么?你不是已经有一个了吗?)
男：I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.(我是摄影师。我一直在寻找一张像你这样的脸。)
女：I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.(我是整形外科医生。我也一直在寻找一张像你这样的脸。)
男：Is this seat empty?(直译：这个座位是空的吧?)
女：Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.(是的，如果你坐下，我的座位就是空的。)
男：Haven't I seen you some place before?(我好象以前在什么地方见过你?)
女：Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.(是的。这就是为什么我不再去那个地方的原因。)
男：Will you go out with me this Saturday?(这个星期六你想跟我出去吗?)
女：Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.(抱歉。这个周末我头疼。)
男：I think I could make you very happy.(我想我能让你非常快乐。)
女：Why? Are you leaving?(是吗?你是说你要离开?)
As a young lawyer working on my first big case，I was sitting in federal district court watching a prominent attorney question a witness. The attorney was trying，unsuc-cessfully, to elicit certain information. Finally the judge turned to the witness and asked a question that prompted the appropriate response.
"Thank you，Your Honor，"the attorney said. "How is it that you were able.to get the crux of the matter with one question after I had tried three times?"
"Easy,"replied the judge. "I'm not paid by the hour.”
We own a small foreign car，the hinges of which are exposed to the weather and sometimes squeak. One day I was oiling the hinges when our landlord walked by.”What are you trying to do?"he asked. "Take the foreign accent out of it?"
Conversation between mother and child:
"Can I have a chocolate-chip cookie?"
"How do you ask?"
"May I have a chocolate-chip cookie?"
"What do you say?"
"May I please have a chocolate-chip cookie?"
"No. It's too close to supper."
The local weatherman was wrong in his forecasts so often that he was embarrassed and applied for a transfer，stating as his reason:"The climate here doesn't agree with me."
Early one morning, my next-door neighbor set to work with a power hedge-trimmer. He was half through the job when a neighbor appeared，still in his pajamas. He was carrying his own power clipper and offered his help, which was gratefully accepted. When the job was done, my neighbor thanked his benefactor，commenting that it had been "a real neighborly act".
"Don't mention it，“replied the other man. "I figured,by helping you，it would only take half as long and I could get back to sleep!"
英语幽默小笑话 1、Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.”What did you do with the money （that/which/不填）I gave you yesterday?”
“I gave it to a poor old woman,”he answered. “You are a good boy,”said the mother proudly.”Here are two cents more.But why are you so interested in the old woman?”
“She is the one who sells the candy.”
2、Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,”What happened?”
“A kid bit me,”replied Ivan.
“Would you recognize him if you saw him again?”asked his mother. “I‟d know him any where,”said Ivan.”I have his ear in my pocket.” 他的耳朵在我的衣兜里
3、Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow（燕子）, the other is sparrow（麻雀）. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.最搞笑的英语小笑话十则
老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
4、Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
One day, a father and his little son were . At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，„醉‟字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
“All the kids make fun of me”the boy cried to his mother.“They say I have a big head”
“Don't listen to them.”his mother comforted him.“You have a beautiful head .Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes” “Where's the shopping bag?”
“I haven't got one,use your hat.”
A mother mouse was out for a stroll （散步，闲逛）with her babies when she spotted（发现） a cat crouched（蹲伏） behind a bush（灌木丛）. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely（凶猛的）, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life.
value（价值） of a second language?"
一般现在时:I make love with her everyday.
evil（罪恶）------ live（生活）；God----- dog； nod（点头）------ don（大学教师）；
not----- ton（吨）；on---- no；pan（平底锅）------- nap（小睡）；part----- trap（陷阱）；pets（宠物）------- step；pots（壶）-----stop；rail（铁轨）------ liar（说谎者）；raw（生的）------ war；smart（机灵的）----- trams（电车）；tap（水龙头）------ pat（轻拍）；ten----- net（网）；tog（衣服）------ got；tops（顶）------- spot（点）。
老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。” 小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?
小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?
某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我TM还是方片七呢！ 英语笑话（三）
江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻译照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。
翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."
翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."
话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM后羿！」
某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞， 忙说：I am sorry. 老外应道：I am sorry too.
某人听后又道：I am sorry three.
老外不解，问：What are you sorry for?
某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.
一位来自日本的旅客，坐出租车去机场的路上，看到一辆汽车经过，就说：“oh，TOKOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有一辆经过，他又说： “oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司机有点不高兴，觉得他太吵了！当第三辆经过时，他还是说：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
日本人惊奇的问司机：“为什么那么贵？”出租车司机回答说：“oh，mileometer（计 程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
the lowest gradeProfessor, I did the best I could on this test. I really don't think I deserve a zero.Neither do I. But that's the lowest grade I'm allowed to give.最低分学生：“教授先生，我这次考试已经竭尽全力了。我真的觉得我不应该得零蛋。”老师：“我也是。但是这已经是我能给的最低分了！” Real PlayWhen I taught the introduction-to-theater course at North Dakota State University, I required my students to attend the university theater's current production and write a critique. After viewing a particularly fine performance, one student wrote: The play was so real, I thought I was actually sitting on my couch at home, watching it on television.逼真的戏剧我在北达科他州立大学教戏剧入门课时，要求学生们去看学校剧团当时的演出，并写一篇评论。看了一场极为精彩的演出后，一名学生写道：“这部戏剧是如此逼真，以致于我认为我自己是坐在家里的沙发上，从电视上看到的。”